This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
