Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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