we're chasing vodka with high fives
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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