Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
