Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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