wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
