I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm having to shit out rocks
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