I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
