I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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