he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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