now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you traded sex for a burrito?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
