First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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