I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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