Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
