tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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