I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
