i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just pee around me
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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