4 words: hood of his car
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
