My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
