After last night, I could never be a politician.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
A bitchslap is in order.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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