just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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