I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
