Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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