my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
