I just pynch a tree in the face
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
