Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I need to sanitize my soul.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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