I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
two words...techno handjob
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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