She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
