I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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