if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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