sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
