Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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