Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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