got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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