So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Randomize
