hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
