He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize