All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
