hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
