If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
