I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
