Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
