Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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