yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
They took my balls.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
