I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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