She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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