Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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