yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
