Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My ATM looks so different sober.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
