Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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