I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
