Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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