my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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