Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
